


Being Human

by Sandyclaws68



Series: Making Moments Count [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, Mild Language, Self-Recrimination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3915649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandyclaws68/pseuds/Sandyclaws68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Valley of the End Iruka and Kakashi both face what they think they could have prevented.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Human

For the first time in he couldn't remember how many years meditating had done nothing to calm the turmoil of his emotions. Likewise a few stiff drinks of sake and a two hour long workout. He was on the verge of asking someone – anyone – to simply knock him unconscious. If that didn't do the trick nothing would.

Tsunade had banned him from the hospital after the first hour, saying that the tumult in his heart and mind was making it difficult for the medics to focus. He had retreated to the Academy grounds and proceeded to indulge in that two hour workout, at which point Shizune had shown up and conveyed the order that he was to leave the village entirely until he could get his rioting emotions under control. “Everyone can feel everything,” she had said by way of explanation. “And it's making people a little crazy.”

That had caught him like a punch to the gut. To be so out of control that his feelings were spreading throughout Konoha, affecting anyone that came in contact with that emotional wave, was a devastating thought. No wonder Tsunade was demanding he isolate himself as best he could until he settled down.

And that was why he was in a secluded area of the Forest of Death, huddled in the base of a burned-out tree, when Kakashi found him at close to midnight.

“Iruka.”

He glanced up at the sound of that deep, gravelly voice and noticed the hand extended toward him. He took it and let Kakashi pull him to his feet. “Tsunade-sama sent me after you,” Kakashi went on, still holding Iruka's hand. “She told me to tell you that he's going to be all right.”

Iruka released a heartfelt sigh and closed his eyes. He swayed a little on his feet, feeling something let go inside of him. The fear – no, he'd call it what it was: terror – that had been encasing his heart since Naruto had been admitted to the hospital was finally crumbling. Relief and joy, both hot and bracing, quickly took over.

“How did you find me?” he asked, looking up at Kakashi. “I thought I hid pretty well when Tsunade ordered me away from the village.”

Kakashi laughed softly. “You left one hell of a trail, sensei,” he replied. When Iruka shot him a questioning glance he continued. “Not a physical one, an emotional one. It was there in every rock, every tree, every patch of ground you touched. At least for someone who knew what to look for.”

“Oh,” Iruka commented, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I didn't realize -”

“I was kind of surprised, though,” Kakashi went on as if the other man hadn't spoken. “Normally you keep such a tight lid on anything emotional, but this?” He shook his head with another small laugh. “Tsunade said you were completely out of control and it was affecting the entire village. I'm not sure I understand why, but -”

_WHAM!!!!_

The punch caught Kakashi completely off guard and he staggered away from Iruka, head reeling. One hand came up to cradle his now aching jaw as he blinked to clear unshed tears from his eyes. And then he felt it; an unmistakable wave of pure, animal anger. And it was coming from Iruka.

“You don't understand _why_?” the younger man asked, voice a dangerous growl coming from the depths of his throat. “You can't pull your arrogant head out of your ass long enough to imagine why I might be a little out of control, emotionally?”

“Iruka. . .” Kakashi was surprised to find himself backing away. His own temper started to stir but he fought it down, knowing that it wasn't real, that it was just a reaction to Iruka's feelings being funneled through his power.

“Don't 'Iruka' me! This is all your fault, you prick!” Iruka raged, fists clenched so tightly his knuckles were turning white. “You could have fucking stopped this! You could have stopped _him_! But what did you do? You taught him a jutsu that gave him even more of a taste for power! And he used it to nearly kill -” Whatever was going to be said next was choked off as Iruka pressed the back of one hand to his mouth, as if holding in the words.

Or holding back a sob.

And that was when Kakashi noticed. Since they had begun their somewhat topsy-turvy relationship he had gotten fairly adept at untangling the threads of Iruka's emotions. It was a necessary skill to develop; the more Iruka grew to trust him the more he let go of the tight rein he usually kept on his feelings. Learning to separate Iruka's projected emotions from his own had been something of a survival test. And now he put that talent to good use.

Anger. Iruka's anger was so powerful, so immediate, that it was difficult to sense what lay beneath. But slowly, as Kakashi focused, skeins of feelings began to unravel. There was fear, and sadness. A spark of hope. And, buried underneath everything else, guilt and self-recrimination.

That came as such a surprise that for a moment Kakashi wondered if he was mixing his own feelings in with Iruka's. Because he did feel guilty. And he had been beating himself up on the inside. The quick, out-and-back, eight-hours-max mission that Tsunade had sent him on after he brought Naruto back had provided a bit of a distraction, but nowhere near enough. Not when his every thought amounted to exactly what Iruka had shouted at him. _You could have stopped him._

“Why?”

The soft question, spoken in a choked voice, yanked Kakashi out of his own self-loathing thoughts. He didn't attempt a response, just waited for Iruka to continue. He felt the other man's hand slip from his and watched as Iruka sank to his knees.

“Why couldn't I see it? I had him in my classroom for three years. What did I miss? What could I have done differently? Why? _WHY?_ ”

“We all missed it,” Kakashi quietly said before lowering himself and sitting on the ground beside Iruka. “You, me, Sandaime-sama, the exam proctors. . .” He laughed, but completely without mirth. “I think the only person who didn't miss it was Itachi. And maybe Jiraiya-sama.”

The sad, fleeting smile that crossed Iruka's lips was his only response to that. “How did we all miss it, though?” he asked. “How did he hide all of that so well, and from so many people?”

Kakashi shifted and slid back, leaning against an enormous tree root, pulling his mask down as he moved. “He's an Uchiha,” he explained. “Raised practically from birth to hold everything in and never let anyone past his walls. To barely, if ever, acknowledge a positive or gentle emotion.” He looked at Iruka from the corner of his eye. “In short? A fucked-up mess.”

Iruka laughed at that, but it was still tinged with sadness. “But if I had -”

Kakashi stopped him by leaning forward and pressing a quick, hard kiss to his lips. “No. Don't think like that. There wasn't anything you could do. He was already damaged before you ever got near him.” He took a deep breath. “If anybody can be blamed for what happened it would be me, just like you said.” When Iruka opened his mouth to protest Kakashi held up a hand. “No, don't argue. I know my own failings, and all I could see in Sasuke for the longest time was how much like me at that age he was.” He looked up at the moonlight filtering through the canopy of leaves. “I never saw him as he really was, only what I thought he was and what I wanted him to become.”

Iruka turned his head and studied the jounin's face before moving closer, on his knees between Kakashi's thighs. He placed one hand on either side of the older man's face and held the one-eyed gaze. “You didn't see what you wanted him to become, you saw what he _could_ become. There's a difference.” He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Kakashi's mouth. “And if you aren't letting me accept any blame I'm not letting you either.” He pressed their foreheads together and sighed. “Nobody could have known how deep the damage went; too deep for anyone to touch it.”

Kakashi snorted. “Orochimaru managed to touch it.”

“Because he was looking for it,” Iruka replied. “Looking to exploit it, not heal it.”

“Guess that's where we were at a disadvantage.”

Iruka shook his head. “Not disadvantaged,” he said emphatically. “Caring. Concerned.” His lips twisted in a wry smile. “Human.”

Kakashi thought about that for a moment before giving a quick nod. The guilt didn't go away, but its tight grip on his heart slackened just enough. “Human, huh?” He slid his hands up Iruka's thighs and settled them on the curve of his ass, pulling the younger man closer for a slow, deep kiss, all but grinning against his mouth when Iruka moaned. “Show me how human, Iruka.”


End file.
